Seven Foot Chopsticks

A departed soul winds up before St Peter at the pearly gates. St Peter checks the list and happily finds that his new friend is on the nice-list, and is therefore destined for heaven. He shares the good news.

“Well done for leading a good life. We are pleased to welcome you to the good place. A new service we are trialling, for fresh souls only, is a quick look around the bad place, so you really know what your labours on earth have helped you avoid. Are you interested?”

Our friend considers the offer for a second and thinks, why not? A dip into the fiery pits would surely give him a greater appreciation of whatever lay in store in the great upstairs.

He takes the trip all the way down, and on first glance thinks there must have been some mistake. There is no sulfur-pit Jacuzzi or brimstone gargling to be seen. In fact, for as far as the eye can see it is just amply laden tables with the most exquisite looking food drink. A smorgasbord of smorgasboards stretches off to the horizon.

He turns to St Peter, “what’s all this about, eh?”

“Look closer,” says St Peter.

He looks closer and sees that despite the absolute gut-busting array of sustenance, all the denizens of hell are emaciated and starving. Blotched skin stretches tightly over rickety skeletal figures. Food, food, everywhere - but nobody seems able to eat.

“You see,” St Peter reveals, “we have all this food, but people have to eat using seven foot chopsticks. Try as they might, they are unable. So they are perpetually tortured by the temptation of all this food, this bountiful salvation, and their inability to eat it!”

Our traveller agrees that this is a wicked and fitting punishment for all these ne’er-do-wells, and asks if they can get on with the business of going to heaven.

The pair get off the lift and, once again, tables buckling under the weight of king-worthy feasts stretch to the horizon. But, it being heaven, all the residents are in excellent health - hale and hearty, laughing, singing, and generally enjoying paradise.

“So, no seven foot chopsticks here then eh?!” Says our man.

“Oh no,” corrects St Peter, “there are seven foot chopsticks here as well.”

“The difference is that, up here, people feed each other.”

The Point of it All

I was told this story by a Headmaster in school assembly some thirty years ago, and it obviously stuck. The very simple inversion of expectation creates something akin to a punchline, and should get quite a good ‘aha’ moment from people if told well. I told it to a group not too long ago - and received four-hundred pairs of chopsticks as a Secret Santa present. It clearly resonated with them on some level!

It is a simple lesson: People who look out for each other fare far better than those who only look out for themselves. Allegedly, in ancient Sparta, losing your sword would get you a clip round the ear, but losing your shield would condemn you to execution. Why? Because your shield was there to protect the man next to you. This is the same thing but with fewer abs - a society that prioritises taking care of each other will be the envy of one that does not.